


won't heal given time

by Lise



Series: Remember This Cold [34]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Loki Angst, Loki's even more of a goddamn mess than usual, Minor Jane Foster/Thor, Sad, Thor Feels, Thor is really trying to take on too much at once, alternate POV, at the moment they are not, everything hurts and nothing is fine, or well?? things will be fine but
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-01
Updated: 2016-04-01
Packaged: 2018-05-30 11:08:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6421558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lise/pseuds/Lise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve is dead, and Thor is afraid that he might not know how to keep his brother safe. </p><p>(Thor during parts of "<a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/4070674">Collapse the Light Into Earth</a>".)</p>
            </blockquote>





	won't heal given time

**Author's Note:**

> I've known I wanted to write this fic (and more Thor POV in Remember This Cold in general) for a long while. Recently I finally got around to it - I'm not sure what was the catalyst. Maybe rereading "Collapse" and thinking about Thor. Maybe thinking about Thor in Remember This Cold in general. Or rereading [this ask](http://veliseraptor.tumblr.com/post/138766319375/can-i-get-in-on-the-rtc-discussion-this-isnt) I got about the reactions of the Avengers during this installment of RTC, and getting feelings. 
> 
> Whatever it was: yeah, feelings. Lots of feelings about Thor happening, here. 
> 
> Thank you to my lovely [beta](http://ameliarating.tumblr.com) for reading and editing for me, and thank you to my loyal readers, reviewers, and cheerleaders, who keep enabling me to add to this verse, nearly forty installments later.

Loki’s hand was limp in Thor’s, as slack as the rest of his body. Thor had cleaned the blood away from his ears and nose, and treated his own wounds, though the burn still throbbed and he could still feel tenderness where the scratches on his face had been. 

At least, Thor thought wearily, it was only him. At least Loki had not lashed out at the others, had not harmed them. At least…

He looked at Loki’s blank face and the thought died. There was no  _at least_ here that could make this better. Loki lay in sleep like death (Thor had held him down to get the needle in, felt his furious bucking and thrashing quiet and still, and wept) and Steve-

 _You will never be ready,_ Loki had snapped at Thor, and he had been speaking of Jane but Thor felt it now. The  _cowards._ Ambushing Steve alone, knowing they could not defeat him in battle. Using a weapon fired from a distance. Many times, from behind, so Steve had not even been able to face his death eyes forward.

Thor shuddered, swallowing hard. Anger was a poor mask for sorrow, but he could not afford to have either. Not right now, not when Loki… _oh, Loki._ His brother who had found his way to happiness only to see it ripped away. Thor’s stomach turned, remembering Loki standing over Steve’s body, glowing with magic, trying to will him back to life. The way his…the body had filled with light and Thor had felt his teeth ache with  _wrongness_ as Loki’s nose began to bleed, blood trickling from the corners of his eyes. 

And the madness that followed, when Loki finally accepted that he could not bring Steve back. Would it still be there when he woke? Was this what would prove too much? 

He glanced at the restraints that held Loki’s limbs in place and felt the same uneasy lurch he had felt placing them there, like it was a betrayal. But it wasn’t just for the sake of others, Thor reminded himself. They were there to protect Loki as well.

The image flashed into his mind of Loki hanging over the Void, the way his fingers had uncurled as if in slow motion. He set his teeth.  _Not this time._ He would watch, and stay close, and  _not let Loki fall._

Not this time.

But in this moment, before he needed to be strong, Thor let himself feel the ache in his chest. The fierce, unrelenting pain of loss. 

* * *

 _I will not do anything rash,_ Loki said upon waking, and a part of Thor almost wished he would, because as it was…

It was as though something had reached inside of Loki and scooped out everything of substance, leaving a hollow shell that walked (sometimes) and ate (rarely) and spoke hardly at all, but nothing else. Thor moved Loki into his suite in the Tower and Loki did not speak so much as a word of protest, just accepted, as he accepted Thor’s holding him close every night in their shared bed, the fear always in his chest that he might wake and find Loki gone as well. 

Natasha, to his surprise, had come while Loki slept with a terse set of instructions -  _watch sharp objects, don’t leave him alone, hide razor blades if you’ve got them and don’t forget a broken mirror makes a good weapon._ He nodded along with her warnings and did not say  _Loki carries his knives with him always, a simple summoning away._ Did not say  _all it would take would be slipping between worlds and letting himself fall._

Did not say  _I do not know how to keep Loki’s grief from devouring him._

Holding Loki and feeling him shake with something between screams and sobs, Thor could not help but think that it already had. HYDRA had killed his friend, and Thor feared very much that they might as well have killed his brother, too.

* * *

“How is he,” Sam asked. He looked exhausted, his face drawn as most of theirs were, worn with grief. 

“Not well,” Thor said bluntly. Loki slept, today - had hardly stirred at all, rousing briefly from the bed at Thor’s insistence only to curl up on the couch and sleep again. Sam did not look surprised, just nodded. 

“I wanna see him,” he said. Thor hesitated, and he added, “not to talk, or anything. Just…” He rubbed his forehead. “Just see him.” He studied Thor, and added, “maybe I can give you a break. You look like you need one. Shower, eat, sleep…”

Thor glanced nervously over his shoulder at the couch. “Loki is…” He trailed off, feeling a stab of shame at the idea of saying, aloud, that he feared that his brother sought death. Sam gave him a wan smile, though. 

“I know,” he said. “I’ll watch him, Thor. Take care of yourself, too.”

What could he do but accept? And a part of him - and Thor was angry at himself to realize it - was relieved. He was tired, and heartsore, and being with Loki right now was all too often like being alone.

He left, trusting Sam that Loki would be well, and went to his rooms. He took his first shower in several days, other than a brief one, after he’d coaxed Loki into it. Though that had been little more than a cursory wash of his hair while he kept a close eye on Loki where he sat on the floor of the bathroom, staring dully at the wall.). It felt good to be clean, and Thor felt lighter, just for a moment. 

He left the Tower to stand outside and called Jane. She answered on the first ring. “Thor?” she said, sounding frantic. “I’ve been trying to call you! I saw on the news - is it true? Is Captain America - Steve, is he-”

 _Trying to call me?_ Thor thought, but then did remember, vaguely, hearing his phone ring. He had ignored it, busy minding Loki. He felt a stab of guilt. “It is true,” he said quietly. Silence, for a moment, in which he could just hear Jane’s breathing, unsteady and uneven. 

“God,” she said. “ _God._ I’m - I’m sorry, Thor.”

He closed his eyes. “I am sorry I did not call you sooner. It has been…” He trailed off. He did not know how to describe the last few days. “Hard,” he said, eventually. 

“Do you want me to come?” she asked. “I can - I can do that. Probably get a flight out tonight, I can tell the university there’s been a death in the family, they’d understand…I should be there.” She sounded helpless, upset. Thor could picture the way she would be wringing her hands, walking in circles, agitated in her distress. 

“I do not…it would be hard,” Thor said, carefully. Loki was still…a difficult subject. Jane was never anything but  _polite,_ but Thor knew she bore his brother no love. “I am…I have to be…” 

“Oh,” Jane said, her voice small. “Oh. Loki.” Thor closed his eyes and nodded before remembering she could not see his face. 

“He is…not well,” he said. “I cannot leave him alone right now.”

“Is he…” Jane trailed off, started over. “I mean. Obviously he’s not all right. Are you worried he’ll - hurt himself?” Thor felt another pang of guilt for thinking uncharitably of Jane. Whatever anger she bore Loki, her heart was still kind. 

“I fear that, yes,” Thor said after a moment. His breathing hitched. “Jane…I have never seen him like this. I fear-” He cut off, took a shaky breath.  _I fear I will not be able to bring him back. That I am losing him again._

“God,  _Thor,”_ Jane said, voice anguished. “I’m so, so sorry. I can come back, it’s fine, I’ll help, I’ll - you know what, I’m going to go cancel right now and book a flight.”

He should tell her no, should tell her to stay. This was a vital opportunity for her, he knew; a valuable job offer from a prestigious institution. But he did not argue. “Thank you,” he said, his eyes burning. “Jane - thank you.” 

* * *

Loki could not attend the public funeral – not when it could not be certain that he would not…act out. Thor stayed with him, trying not to let anger pulse in his chest that so few would ever know what his brother and Steve had had. Loki had only nodded when Thor told him, expressionless. 

“I understand,” he said, and curled back under the covers, closing his eyes. 

Jane came along for the cremation and stood at Thor’s side, arms wrapped around his left arm, Loki on his right and Bruce on the other side, in case…in case. But though tears flowed from Loki’s eyes, he did not make a sound, holding so still Thor could barely see his chest move with his breaths. Jane kept shooting glances in his direction, a mixture of concern and wariness, and Thor worried that Loki would notice but if he did he did not seem to care. 

He’d been worried in general if Loki would react…poorly to Jane’s presence, but he scarcely seemed to notice she was there. That was not better. Or at least not reassuring. It clearly unnerved Jane as well: she was tense and jumpy whenever Loki was nearby, though Thor could also see the pity when she looked at him. “He’ll get better,” Jane said. “It…gets better.” That, Thor thought, was directed as much at him as at Loki.  _And what if it does not,_ Thor wanted to ask, but did not.

Thor could feel it wearing on him. He slept little and poorly, woken often by Loki’s nightmares: his violent thrashing and anguished cries. He tried to set a model for Loki by eating, but he knew he was not getting enough. And his own grief gnawed at him, threatening to overwhelm him. 

Once, only once, holding Loki as he shook with soundless, wrenching sobs, he wondered if it would be merciful to let Loki go. A moment later he recoiled from that thought, horrified.  _No, I will not surrender. No._

* * *

Thor woke up and found Loki, as usual, with his eyes open and staring at the ceiling. It was impossible to say if he’d slept at all. 

“Good morning, Loki,” he said gently, not expecting a response, but Loki blinked and looked toward him. 

“Is it already?” He sounded faintly distracted, and after a moment his eyes turned back upwards. Thor sighed and sat up, running his fingers through his greasy hair. “Thor?” Loki said, and he froze. 

“Yes? What is it?” Loki had scarcely addressed him at all, not directly and not without Thor’s asking a question first. He tried not to let his hope show. 

“Is there tea in the cupboards?” 

Thor felt the urge to weep, and kept himself contained. “There may be,” he said. “Jane drinks it, sometimes - if there is not, I can have some delivered.” Loki nodded, very slightly. Thor hesitated, and dared to press a little further. “Is there anything you would like to eat?”

Loki was quiet for a long time, and Thor’s heart sank a little. Then he licked his lips and said, “perhaps…toast?”

Thor exhaled explosively, closing his eyes.  _It may not mean anything,_ he tried to tell himself, but he could not wholly smother the hope that rose in his chest. It was  _something. “_ Anything,” he said. Perhaps more vehemently than he should have. “Anything you want.”

Something flickered across Loki’s expression and for a moment Thor’s breath caught, but then he merely smiled, weary and faint, melancholy, but it was still an  _expression. “_ Ah, Thor,” he murmured. Thor tried for his own smile. 

“Come,” he said. “Sit - I will see what tea I can find, and get you some toast. Loki…”  _It is going to be all right,_ he thought to say, but cut it off, because it wasn’t, and it would disrespect both their grief to claim otherwise. “I am here for you,” he said instead, awkwardly. Loki just nodded, and Thor reached out to grip the back of his neck, trying to ignore the way he could feel Loki’s spine pushing out of the skin.  _Too thin._

Loki pulled away and stood. He swayed slightly but then steadied. His eyes looked clearer, Thor thought. More like he was…truly seeing what was in front of him. Nearer to the brother he knew.

 _Welcome back,_ he wanted to say, but held his tongue. He could not assume that all was well. Could not assume this was not merely a moment of relief that would pass all too soon. 

But at least he could take advantage of it.

* * *

Whatever had happened - and Thor could not tell what had changed, unless it was just time - Loki did not slip back into his previous state. He was not - _whole,_ a blind man could see that much, but he was…better. The iron bands that seemed to have encircled Thor’s ribs loosened a little. 

(Though with their loosening - he became more aware of his own grief, just barely held at bay. He did not know how to face it. Did not know how he could watch Loki and also feel everything that threatened to overwhelm him.)

“Do you think he’s planning something?” Jane asked, sitting at the counter, her eyes on Loki where he was sleeping on the couch. Thor looked at her sharply, eyebrows furrowed. 

“What do you mean,” he asked. Jane shook her head, eyes widening. 

“I don’t mean - not,  _evil_ or something like that. I just mean…” She trailed off. “I just mean…he was practically catatonic. And suddenly he’s just better?” 

 _Do not judge my brother for his way of grieving,_ Thor thought, but stifled it. Jane was clever, and sometimes she saw things he did not. “What are you saying?” 

“I don’t know,” Jane sighed. “Just…no, it’s probably nothing.” 

Thor frowned. “Jane.”

“Just, I don’t know.” She exhaled. “Sometimes. Sometimes people, before they…hurt themselves? Sometimes they can get really calm, all of a sudden. Because they’ve - you know. Made a decision.” Jane avoided looking at him. “I’m not saying that’s what’s happening, I just…”

Thor felt cold all over, a chill down to his bones. He thought of the Bifrost, the way Loki’s rage and madness had faded suddenly, just before he let go, and his heart beat a little faster. But Loki was not - calm, not like that. He still wept, still visibly  _grieved,_ it was not that - emptiness. That was more like how he had been before. This was not the same. “I am still watching him closely,” he said anyway. “I still do not - will not - leave him alone.”

Jane opened her mouth like she was going to say something, then closed it and just hugged him. He put his arms around her, feeling with excruciating clarity how fragile she was. Just blood and bone, so easily stolen away. His grip tightened until she made a noise of protest, and even as he loosened his embrace he bent his head to press his face into her hair. 

“Thor,” she said at length. “You know you can grieve too.” 

 _I cannot,_ Thor wanted to say.  _Not right now, not and do what I must._ There was part of him, besides, that did not quite believe it. Could not quite believe it, perhaps, that Steve was…gone. “I know,” he said simply, voice rough. Jane sighed, but she did not argue. He looked over at Loki, still sleeping or pretending to. 

 _Do not leave me, brother,_ he thought, hoping Loki could somehow hear him. _Please do not make me lose you again._

* * *

He should have seen it coming. Should have expected it, because nothing ever went right for long, and especially not when it came to Loki. He, above all, should have known better. 

But he had not. He had grown tired, and complacent, and willing to believe that Loki was recovering, that Loki was  _better._ Still hurting, yes, but not still driven by that desperate madness that had left scratches on Thor’s face. He had almost begun to convince himself that Loki was  _safe._

And then he woke alone, the place Loki had been long since cold. 

He surged to his feet, running to the kitchen, the bathroom, but he already knew, his heart plunging, what he would find. Nothing. Loki was gone.

 _Gone,_ whispered a desperately hopeful part of Thor’s mind.  _Gone, not dead, he didn’t kill himself here, maybe, maybe,_ but it was a fool’s hope. No, this was more like a cat hiding itself away to die. Perhaps he thought he was sparing Thor.

 _“No,”_ Thor moaned, and then screamed, “ _no!”_ because it was not fair, it wasn’t _fair_ that he should get his brother back only to lose him, that he should in one breath be bereft a blood- and shield-brother, that Loki could  _do_ this to him. Thunder boomed overhead and Thor clenched his fists, longing for something to strike, something he could  _fight_. Would he ever know where Loki found his end? Would he know when the thread of his life was severed, feel it like a heartstring pulled from Thor’s own chest?

Thor panted, a wave of anguish and grief and anger swamping him. Jane burst through the door, her hair wild and in only an oversized t-shirt. “Thor, what is it, what’s going on,” she asked, breathless.

It wasn’t  _fair._ The anger slipped away, leaving him only with despair, and Thor folded to his knees, tears streaming from his eyes. “He’s gone,” Thor forced out. Another rumble of thunder, and Thor knew he should control himself but could not remember how. “Loki. He’s  _gone.”_

Jane’s face went white. “What?” She said. “Thor, what - what happened,” and she was kneeling next to him, small hand squeezing his wrist. “Is he…”

“Not here,” Thor said. “I was - he slipped away, somehow. And now he’s gone.” _I failed, again. I reached for him and fell short, again._

First Steve, now Loki. Could he keep anyone safe? Would Jane be next to fall?

He heard himself make an animal moaning noise, a sound of agony. Jane wrapped her arms around his shoulders. “God, Thor,” she said, voice breaking. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Maybe he’s…maybe he’ll…” But she trailed off. Even she could not speak the comforting lie. 

“What’s going on?” Natasha’s voice, but Thor did not lift his head. “Did something-?”

“Loki’s gone,” Jane said. “Sometime during the night.”

“Oh,” Natasha said, and then softer, “oh.”

He felt like his heart had been ripped out of his chest.  _You should be used to this,_ whispered a snide voice in his mind that reminded him of Loki, but how was he meant to get used to losing people? Why would he want to?

“I’ll tell the others,” Natasha said, after a long silence. 

“Thank you,” Jane said, hushed. The door closed.  _How can I endure this,_ he thought, helpless, aching. “What do you need me to do,” Jane asked. She sounded scared. Thor shook his head, groped for one of her hands and squeezed it. 

“Nothing,” he said. “Just…don’t leave.”

“I won’t,” Jane said. “I won’t, I swear.”

 _You will someday,_ Thor thought hollowly.  _Even if it is only time that takes you away from me, I will lose you too._

* * *

“Thor,” Natasha said, “there’s news.” 

He raised his head, slowly, though he left his hand where it was, combing through Jane’s hair as she slept with her head on his leg. “News,” he said, not quite dully.  _A body,_ he wanted to ask, but could not make his tongue form the words.

Natasha shifted. “Yeah. News. Just got a report from - the facility where Barnes has been staying. Loki was there.” 

Thor jerked, straightening. Jane stirred with a protesting moan, and he tried to keep himself still and simply breathe. Loki had gone somewhere else. Had not simply vanished, had… “What did he do?” He asked, suddenly fearful. 

Natasha studied him, her eyebrows furrowed. “He broke Barnes out,” she said, after a long pause. “Then they both vanished.” Thor’s breath caught in his chest.  _Not alone._ Loki was with someone else, with Steve’s friend. Surely he would not want James Barnes to be - hurt. Perhaps-

“That’s not all,” Natasha said. Her mouth did something odd. “There’s…something else.” 

Thor’s heart banged against his rib cage. “Natasha,” he rumbled.

“It’s - it might be nothing,” she said. “But there’s been some murmurs. That someone is going after HYDRA. In a big way. Some nasty people are keeping their heads down like they’re worried something bigger and nastier is going to notice them. But so far…like I said. It might be nothing.”

Thor felt a small spark flare, a match lit in the darkness. He moved Jane’s head carefully off his lap and stood, moving away and lowering his voice. “But you do not believe it is.”

“No,” she said after a long pause. “I don’t.” She took a deep breath. “I don’t have a lot of information. But I don’t need to tell you - if this is Loki, and if whatever he’s doing spreads beyond HYDRA…”

The spark flared into an ember. Thor felt his spine straighten. “It won’t,” he said. Natasha frowned. 

“Thor, I know you want to think the best of your brother, but right now you have to admit he’s not completely-”

“That isn’t it,” Thor interrupted. “I know Loki. When he has a target, he does not miss. If he is seeking out those who killed Steve - he will find them. And kill them.” Thor smiled, an expression he knew would be fierce and terrible. “ _All_ of them.” 

Natasha twitched, in the corner of his eye. “That kind of violence gets messy quickly,” she said. “And that’s a lot of people, even for a pair as skilled as your brother and Barnes. What happens if there’s collateral damage? Innocents?”

Thor shook his head. “There won’t be.” He met Natasha’s eyes. “I have seen Loki’s true fury before, Natasha. Above all, it is  _precise.”_

Natasha nodded, slowly, but the furrow between her eyebrows remained. “Even if that’s so,” she said, “Thor…if it were anyone else doing this I’d call it suicide.”

That word struck Thor in the stomach like a punch, but this time it didn’t bend him. “I know,” he said, savage smile fading. “But there is still reason to be glad.” 

Natasha raised her eyebrows. “What’s that? I could use some good news.” 

“There are a lot of agents of HYDRA, I imagine,” Thor said. Natasha nodded warily, and Thor smiled again, just a flash of teeth. “Loki will not stop until they are finished, every head severed, every serpent crushed.” 

“Still waiting for the good news,” Natasha said dryly. 

Thor took a deep breath that felt like the first he’d had since waking up alone and closed his eyes. “That gives me time.”


End file.
